As parents, we've all been there - our little ones are melting down, their emotions spiraling out of control, and we feel at a loss for how to handle it. The go-to solution for many of us has been the dreaded time out, that moment of isolation meant to calm the storm and teach them a lesson. But what if I told you there's a better way? Welcome to the world of "time ins" - a gentle, nurturing, yet firm approach that can transform the way your child learns to navigate their big emotions.
At Little People, Big Emotions, we're on a mission to support parents and caregivers in fostering emotional intelligence in their little ones. And let me tell you, time ins are one the best ways to do just that. Instead of punishing a child for their outbursts, time ins create a safe space for them to work through their emotions, with your guidance and support.
The Downfall of Time Outs
Time outs have long been the go-to discipline method, but the more we understand about child development and emotional regulation, the more we realize they're not the most effective solution. Here's why:
Disconnection, Not Connection
When a child is sent to a time out, they're being isolated from the very people they need the most - their caregivers. Children have an innate and healthy attachment need to want to be close their parents and be comforted by them in times of distress. This disconnection can actually exacerbate their distress, leaving them feeling alone and misunderstood.
Missed Opportunities
Time outs are a missed opportunity to teach your child how to manage their emotions. Instead of learning healthy coping strategies, they're simply being removed from the situation, without any guidance on how to handle their feelings. We think we are teaching them a lesson, when in reality we are teaching them to suppress their very really feelings. They learn not to trust their feelings, but they learn not to trust themselves.
Embracing the Time In
Enter the time in - amore nurturing and effective approach that puts the focus on connection, firm boundaries and problem solving, not punishment. Here's how it works:
Creating a Peaceful Place
The first step is to set up a designated Peaceful Place in your in your home. Along with the resources in your peaceful place pack or poster set, you can add soft pillows, soothing lighting, and calming sensory tools like fidget toys or puzzles. This is where your child can go to regulate their emotions with your support.
Co-Regulation
When your child is in the midst of a meltdown, resist the urge to send them away. Instead, ask them to join you in their Peaceful Place. Sit with them, offer a hug or gentle touch, and help them to slow their breathing and regain control. You'll find that as you do these things together, you will be able to regulate your own emotions too, which helps your child regulate theirs as they feed off your energy. Use the prompts on the Feelings and Calming strategy posters to help identify and label their feelings and other calming strategies they can do to in order to sit with those feelings and come back to balance. This process of co-regulation teaches them that their emotions are valid and that you're there to help them through it. Remember that children who are not acting well are generally not feeling well inside. It's about looking for the underlying feelings and unmet needs driving their behaviour.
Emotional Coaching
Once the storm has passed, take the opportunity to have a conversation. Validate their feelings, set any limits/boundaries that may be needed and last but not least, guide them towards more constructive ways of expressing themselves in the future (problem solving) This emotional coaching builds their self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
The Benefits of Time Ins
The beauty of time ins is that they address the root of the issue, rather than just the outward behaviour. By fostering a secure attachment and teaching your child healthy coping mechanisms, you're setting them up for long-term success. Here are just a few of the benefits:
Stronger Emotional Regulation
Through the process of co-regulation and emotional coaching, your child will learn to recognize and manage their own emotions. This self-awareness and self-control are the foundations of emotional intelligence.
Improved Behavior
When a child feels heard, understood, and supported, they're less likely to resort to disruptive behaviors. Time ins create a sense of safety and trust, which in turn leads to more cooperative and well-adjusted behavior.
Deeper Connection
The time you spend with your child during a time in is an opportunity to strengthen your bond. By showing up for them in their most vulnerable moments, you're building a foundation of trust and security that will last a lifetime.
Putting Time Ins into Practice
Ready to give time ins a try? Here are some tips to get you started:
Introduce the Peaceful Place
Involve your child in setting up your peaceful place so they feel ownership over it. Encourage them to personalize it with their favorite toys, books, or sensory items.
Model Emotional Regulation
When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, demonstrate how you use the peaceful place to regain your composure. This shows your child that it's a healthy coping mechanism for everyone.
Start Small
Don't feel like you have to dive in headfirst. Begin by trying time ins for shorter durations, and gradually increase the time as your child becomes more comfortable with the process.
Be Patient and Consistent
Changing ingrained discipline habits takes time and practice. Stick with it, and trust that the long-term benefits will be well worth the effort.
So, the next time your little one is on the verge of a meltdown, resist the urge to send them to time out. Instead, invite them into a time in - a moment of connection, understanding, and emotional growth that will pay dividends for years to come. At Little People, Big Emotions, we're here to support you every step of the way.
