Just because we choose to discipline without punishment doesn’t mean we let our kids walk all over us. (That’s called permissive parenting—look it up, boomers 😉.)
So, when our kids hit us, what do we do?
Let’s first acknowledge something important—it’s totally normal (and okay) to feel enraged when our child lashes out aggressively. It’s honestly one of the most triggering moments in parenting. Many of us can’t even recall a time our childhood aggression was met with empathy or understanding, so it makes sense that these moments feel overwhelming.
Before We Jump Into Strategies: Why Kids Hit
Before we dive into the “what to do,” let’s take a moment to explore why our kids act out aggressively. Often, just understanding the “why” helps us find the empathy and patience we need to stay centered.
Kids lash out when they’re overwhelmed by big feelings. Hitting isn’t a power move—it’s a cry for help. It’s actually scary for them, too. Even if they scream “leave me alone,” they’re still asking for your help regulating their emotions and returning to a balanced state.
When children carry unresolved frustrations, it builds up like pressure in a balloon. That tension can make them hypersensitive, leading to explosive reactions over small requests or challenges.
Responding With Connection Over Correction
If your child is going through a hitting phase, know this: it’s not going to disappear overnight. But when you consistently respond with empathy and boundaries, and show them healthier ways to release frustration, their tendency to lash out will fade over time. (Trust me!)
Try thinking of emotional intensity like a scale from 0–10:
0 is calm
10 is full-blown meltdown/hitting mode
When your child is at a 10, logic is useless. Their thinking brain has “left the chat,” and their emotional brain is in the driver’s seat. Save your pep talks and problem-solving for when they’ve come back down to around a 4–5 or when you can see the escalation building (like a 6–7).
What to Do When They're at a 10
Here are practical strategies to try in the heat of the moment:
Get close and stay calm
Instead of yelling instructions from across the room. Go to them quickly, understanding that right now, they can’t stop just because you asked them to (remember what we said about the logic?)
✨ Find your calm.
The energy you bring is everything. It can either defuse or escalate the situation.
Try to see your child’s dysregulated state the same way you’d view them if they were physically hurt or unwell.
Block or Gently Hold
-Block any hits to protect yourself.
-If they keep trying to hit or kick, you can move to another part of the room (ideally without leaving the space entirely).
-If needed, gently restrain their hands or legs with care and presence—not force—to keep everyone safe.
Keep Language Simple and Safe
Use short, firm, but kind phrases. What you say matters less than how you say it. Avoid language like “Don’t you dare!” or “Stop that right now!”
Instead, try scripts like:
“I can see you’re feeling ____. I’m here.”
“I’m not going to let you hurt me.”
“I’m holding your hands to keep both of us safe.”
“I’m going to sit by the couch because I won’t let you hurt me.”
“Your feelings are okay. Hitting is not.”
Offer a Safe Outlet for Their Body
Sometimes kids just need a way to release that energy. You can say:
“Here’s a pillow—throw it, squeeze it, yell into it.”
“Here’s some old newspaper to rip up.”
“You can snap these sticks or branches.”
“Push against my hands.”
“Throw your teddy on the floor.”
Bonus tip: some kids respond well to having their toys “talk” to them or offer support during these moments.
As the Storm Passes...
Once that wave of overwhelm starts to pass, you can gently co-regulate. Try:
Reading a book together
Singing softly
Going to your peaceful place
Drawing or doing a puzzle
Going for a walk outside
When they’ve returned to about a 3–4 on the scale, and their logical brain is accessible again, then you can reflect and process what happened.
The Long-Term Shift
Parents who respond with care—even when their child loses control—often notice a powerful shift over time. As children begin to trust that their big feelings will be met with empathy, their need to lash out fades. Instead of hitting, they start turning to their parent for support.
That’s a big (and beautiful) step forward!
Always rooting for you,
Renee
